Prayers for those We've Lost This Year

For my precious mom, Susan Freyer
For all those lost to cancer and other horrible sicknesses
For Mike's grandmother and my children's great-grandmother, Lucille Spliedt
For those deaths that affected those my husband works with
For Philando Castile
For Alton Sterling
For Jason Harrison
For all those who were killed by police officers
For all the police officers who were killed in the line of duty
For all those who were killed at the Pulse night club
For anyone lost to gun violence
For children lost to miscarriage
For children lost to illnesses and accidents
For those killed by national disasters
For those who lost their lives to acts of terrorism
For any women lost to domestic violence or violence at the hand of men
For any person who died for their sexual orientation, color, or religious belief
For our service people we lost
For those cultural icons we lost, such as David Bowie, Alan Rickman, and Gene Wilder
For any other person who has died that we hold space and love for in our heart...





(Forgive me if I have left off any one I should have remembered. These were the people that I personally feel compelled to pray for and of course there are so many others...)

Seasons Change and So Do I...

I've been having a difficult time not only falling asleep lately, but also staying asleep. We have about a month until Baby #3's due date and I'm up to hourly bathroom trips whenever I lay down to try and rest. The falling asleep portion, that's new though. It's not my hips anymore keeping me up. Chiropractor work really helped that. It's my mind. I'm not even thinking of baby stuff. Not even worrying...much.

Mostly thinking about projects I'd like to immerse myself in this upcoming year. I just turned 29 last weekend, so it's time to think about how this next year should unfold for myself. I know a great deal of it will be adjusting to being a parent of three and taking care of our newborn/drinking insane amounts of iced coffee/trying to sleep when everyone else sleeps (how the heck is that going to happen)?!

So much change, but what would life be without it?

Yesterday I listened to the latest Rob Bell podcast on Seasons. There was so much comfort for me in hearing about the topic of life changes from someone else. At one point he said something along the lines of "Change is hard because it is always a loss." 

We don't like loss in our world. Even if we receive something new afterwards. We cling to the residuals of our loss. I'm going to lose out on the way being the mom of two boys feels, just like I lost out on the way being the mom to one child was...and there is no shame in mourning that with a small piece of my heart. But what we are gaining will be met with such joy. I'm so torn up that her Ama won't be here to meet her and that her knowledge of someone I love so deeply will only be told through me and other family. The change of not having her here to greet my daughter will be hard. It will remind me of my losses, but, still, the season will be new and lovely, as the birth of a new child always is. And I can't forget that in the midst of all the other chaos in my heart.

This is also the time of year I start to think about preparing myself for the long Michigan winter. I adore fall and could bask in the beauty of it for an entire year, but I cannot be distracted entirely, for after the season of autumn comes the season of winter that always wants to wrestle with my emotional and mental well being until I am exhausted and begging for it to release us all from the torment. So, I start early with a game plan to stay busy. I pin a lot of recipes to make, activities for the kids, and stockpile books for myself. This year I have a book called Winter Blues: Everything You Need to Know to Beat Seasonal Affective Disorder to read and wield against my nemesis. I'm trying to spin winter positively in my mind as a time where we have to lay low and rest. This year that sounds rather appealing, but I know around Jan-Feb I will be restless and feeling caged in by the monotony and feet of lake effect snow.

So, what exactly are my plans for the upcoming months? What are my plans for this space, which has been neglected in the past month?

• I'd like to write an article about an experience I had earlier this year attending a weekend Goddess Retreat and how it was a transformational experience that I would recommend regardless of your religious affiliation (or lack thereof). 

• I am planning on keeping up with the "what we are eating" type posts--I am waiting on one picture before I can publish the article from last weeks meals.

• About one year ago I started to explore my intuition and methods for tapping into the collective unconscious that worked best for me. I have gained so much and believe that I do have a gift to eventually share, but right now, I am working on a personal index to help me with that work. Eventually I hope to offer services online or in person. 

• Continuing to learn and grow as a parent. We are going to be entering the world of Preschool in the next few weeks and the excitement is building! Mr. Two will have some alone time with me for a week or two...and then, baby sister should join us!! Deep breathing for all the new challenges ahead...

• I want to continue to be there for friends, helping out however I can. We have been really showered in blessings this year from so many different sources and I have tried to give what I can when I can to others and it makes me feel so connected to do so. This is definitely an area to continue to be open and improving in. I think this is the first time I've really realized what the phrase "building community" is all about.

• Keep a look out in your mailbox later this year because I decided I'll be writing one of those hokey Christmas newsletters for our family :) So many new people to keep in touch with and I also realized that it would be a lovely way to share Orion's amazing artwork with friends and family...

• Crafts and yarn work. Oi!!!!!! I have three works in progress on knitting needles, a pom pom mobile to complete SOON, a daily journal I try to jot notes in regularly, pictures that NEED to be changed out in all our frames, a wrapped twig project for the nursery, and a photo album to caption by this upcoming Saturday. Then there are projects I haven't even started buying materials for...and to imagine last spring I thought I would knit all the kids sweaters for Christmas. HA HA HA. Maybe next year...

Daring to be Vulnerable and Real

I am who I am.

This past week has been weird. A lot of heavy crying. A lot of old feelings of inadequacy and loss of control have surfaced. But I think I'm cracking into some truths about myself. And I've had some definite moments of god shining through the cracks and speaking to me. Like, when I was at my wit's end and the morning yesterday was starting to tank from my horrible attitude just like the previous day had, I was gifted with two smiling girls ready to watch my kids at church so I could just sink in the pew and listen--our nursery has been closed all summer long, so this was very unexpected and definitely a blessing from above. god knows how badly I needed that. and my husband, he took my hand when they mentioned the refugee family our church will be hosting, because he knows that it tears me up to think of them, very similar to us, with two boys one and three, coming here and I wish I could personally do more for them, for everyone...the world lately has been so hard to look at and deal with knowing that so much is unjust and wrong.

I believe god talked to me again through the radio, because there is a guitar solo I've turned the radio to twice now in the past week that just takes me all the way in with emotions. Then I end up crying in the car which probably isn't for the best, but it seems redemptive.

A wise friend on Facebook posts lots of content and I'm amazed by her energy to do so...one of the things that stuck most with me this past week was an article she wrote about holding back your whole life. I am such a withholding person. I am scared s**tless of being vulnerable, even after reading Brene Brown and telling myself that I am safe every day and praying for my worry to be removed and all sorts of other practices.

I just want to show up as I am.

(credit: kingofwands tumblr)

Right now I want you to know that I'm so afraid. I'm losing my own mother. I feel robbed. I'm becoming at mother to a daughter for the first time too. That scares me too. What if I mess up? I feel like there is so much to mess up.

I know a lot of what I know to be true and who I am at my core is going to be weird to people, but I'm very sick of hiding and playing small in this world. I want to speak in my own language. If you're not okay with that, I'm okay. I won't be offended. But I am going to talk of god and the world in the way I see it. We each should be able to do that for ourselves because it really is beautiful how unique our perspectives are. There is sanctity in our differences.

Some times I lament to my husband about how I have no one to talk to about spirituality and other such topics. It's a silly thing to say when I don't put myself out there. It's easy to be isolated in my current situation. I just want you to know that I am a little out there. I have crystals in my house and I can tell you why each one is where it is. I read books about different religions and seriously question the whole always referring to god as "he" thing. I know I am highly intuitive and I don't think it is wrong for me to explore those gifts--and eventually I want to share them with the world in my own deep and quiet way. I also believe in God, the Christian church, and pray regularly. It's complicated but it really isn't.

I don't believe there is anything wrong with me and I am scared of feeling like you might think there is anything wrong with me if you knew these things.

So, this is scary, but this is me.

And I promise we have more in common that we have separating us.

Love to you.