I am so ridiculously terrible about updating this site or any journal at the moment. As I am supposed to not be apologizing so much in my every day life, I'm not going to apologize, even though it would be extremely nice to have time and energy to keep writing here on a regular basis.

The kiddos are doing well. Orion's language usage is exploding. He's also starting to strongly state his opinions on many things, such as being aware when my Iphone camera is photographing him he will get irritated and turn away, or picking what shirt to wear (and saying "me do!!" with frustration when I try to dress him). I am trying to take all of this in stride and have been taking less photographs to respect him & trying to just enjoy the moment while we are in it, even though some of them are so great I wish I could keep them forever. I am acutely aware, painfully so these days, of how this sweet age won't last forever. He still snuggles me, loves his brother, and is excited over so many things we just take for granted daily (sun! snow! up! cold! hot! bubbles)!

I am overwhelmed with baby love for Otto. I caught myself saying "whose my little peanut? whose mama's peanut?" this morning while we were looking in the mirror, even though "peanut" is my least favorite baby nick name. I started calling him "pancake" instead but it didn't sound right. He's a tiny little tootie, but he has a big personality and loads of energy. It's so excited to watch the brothers interact and Otto is a really good sport about Orion getting in his face.

There's so much love in my life these days. I know I have become one of those women who most people think makes everything about their children all the time and that is an honest critique. I practically invite it. It's true that when I honestly look at my life I can see that my identity right now has become a little overwhelmed with the "mom" title.

I have a hard time identifying myself. When I drank, I identified myself as a drinker & was really just focused with drinking and "relaxing" and "having fun" the easiest way I knew how to lose myself and dull the edge (because I am a notorious over thinker). Even when I had jobs, I didn't really think of myself as a career person, and I still don't have an ambition to be a career person. So I've funneled a lot, maybe too much sometimes, into being a parent. It's one of my secret goals to try to find out who I am beyond that again.

 I feel like in the past I had different stages of knowing who I was and what I identified with, but a lot of that has changed. I think most of it may just be admitting I am okay with myself. That I am okay with a quiet and slow life and not really being the best at anything. I know I love to read, but I don't write. I know I like to create things with my hands, but I don't sell art. I know I love to be in the kitchen and cook for people, but I don't make fancy cakes or host large dinner parties (often). I think as I age I am coming to terms with those things. Kind of like coming to terms with my looks and my grey hairs. I'm beyond trying to fight myself anymore and I'm starting to be mature enough to look at most of these things head-on and to just accept myself. It's like that Mary Lambert song that is on the radio right now: " They tell us from the time we're young
To hide the things that we don't like about ourselves inside ourselves
I know I'm not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I'm over it"

That's all I've got for today.