Sometimes Thinking About Money is Tiring.

I am really interested in finding a balance between being smart with the money I am given to make work for each pay period and once in awhile identifying a personal want that I should fulfill.

I admit, I believe everyone around me EXCEPT for me has the ability to walk into Target (or a local yarn shop or a restaurant) and buy whatever they want with no fear of overspending or weight on their consciousness. It appears to me that this might be an over exaggeration, based on the fact that I assume a lot from social media posts and only what I am told by individuals, but I do know that I live in an area where many people are well off or come from money so it's not outside of the realm of possibility that nearly everyone I know does have more expendable income than me at the moment.

Which leads to me feeling guilty, because I don't make an income. Also because I know so many people have it worse. Why am I complaining to myself about not being able to justify pricey jars of nut butter or name brand clothes for the kids? Are those necessary to a happy life? No, but my mind goes there sometimes, darkly..."If only..."

One of my daydreams is to eventually go back and work a soul crushing job after the kids are in school only for a paycheck that I'll use to do things I really want to and would feel guilty doing with money my husband makes (yes, he's told me that's a horrible way to look at it because it is "our" money, but I feel weird about that still).

We make a good amount of money. Life happens, however, and having a house makes those things that happen usually costly. There are a few loose ends to tie up with student loans and stuff. It's mostly a waiting game and things can get better, especially if I am smart with what I am given now. It's just rough and I am fatigued.

Do you know what else? I find it hard that I cannot afford to support friends who make things. I would love to buy a necklace from a certain person I know, but I can't afford that luxury. When there are things I want to invest in as personal possessions, they usually are from small vendors and not big-box stores. I am really sad that supporting them is not usually a reality for me due to my current financial restraints.

In conclusion, this has been a small sad pitiful rant, but I wanted to post it so if anyone else sometimes has these dark or sad or (shallow) feelings, they know they are not alone. I am fully aware that the thing to do here is count my MANY blessings and maybe be proactive about what I can change and then to shut off my auto-comparison trigger (why is that so hard??)